Existential Longing has left the chat
My earliest memories are of me, three years old, tiny, curly-haired and angry. I didn’t know how to describe it at the time and it took 25 more years beyond those memories to really grasp how I was feeling but god, was I angry. I grew up in a very devout Christian household that went to church several times per week, wouldn’t allow us to watch Harry Potter or celebrate Halloween, and drilled into us that anything that wasn’t our specific brand of Christianity was pure evil. I didn’t have a bad childhood — my family has its issues like any family but we love each other deeply and are there for each other like no other. The church aspect though… that’s something I always struggled with. I was three or four when I started questioning things we were being taught…
Why does this random entity care what I’m doing?
Why do I have to pray to some man?
If God loves me, why am I also supposed to fear him?
Does anyone else feel like the Bible hates women?
None of it was adding up for me. I was uncomfortable, annoyed, and distrustful. Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I acted out and wanted to get into anything that was deemed ~bad~. Harry Potter, Twilight, Halloween, witches, romance, sex, all of it. If it was fun and made me happy, why did God care?
Once I got to college, I was able to give myself space away from that environment and it felt amazing. For what felt like the first time in my life, I was doing exactly what I wanted and ignoring the pressure to include religion in my day-to-day. It was so freeing, and yet I still had this nagging feeling of something missing. Over the years, I nicknamed this feeling “existential longing” because I could never put my finger on it but there was this niggling feeling of deep desire for something I couldn’t seem to describe.
In 2022, I came out as aromantic and asexual. It felt like this huge part of myself had been fully unlocked and shared with the world. I felt like I understood myself and my past for the first time in my life. Why I acted certain ways, why I struggled with dating and sex, and why I felt so incredibly different from my friends. And yet… that restless feeling inside remained.
2022 ended up being an incredibly traumatic and eye-opening year for me. I lost a lot of friendships and was attacked by people I didn’t know. My sexuality was turned into a weapon and used against me by people I trusted. I felt so unsafe and raw and afraid of this online presence I had cultivated over the last decade. I didn’t know what to do. My friends and family were so incredibly angry on my behalf but nobody could truly understand what it was like to suddenly lose the love, respect, and kindness of people I had trusted so deeply.
In the wake of this trauma, I was grasping at straws. Scrolling through Instagram felt like reopening a wound that was nowhere close to healing. Seeing friends hang out with and speak highly of the people who hurt me had me crying in my room every day. So, I lashed out. I acted like a total shithead. I was so chaotic and angry and mean to the people who mean the world to me. My best friends and sister truly went through hell trying to help me.
Luckily, months prior to this all happening, I had checked out a metaphysical shop in Dunedin, Florida. The energy inside that shop felt so comforting and I found myself eager to learn more about everything they believed in. I met a wonderful, magickal human named Carly (@the__localwitch) who unknowingly became a mentor for me. Everything she did seemed so in tune with her soul and the earth and I craved that level of peace and balance.
In the months after all that chaos, I began to lean into those desires to learn more about spirituality, nature, and witchcraft. My company sent me on a wellness retreat that changed my life. I took part in labyrinth walks, sound baths, chakra healing, and more. I cried pretty much nonstop the entire time I was there. For the first time in my life, I felt held by my beliefs and my experiences. Everything felt so right.
That trip lit a fire in me that had me frantically researching and trying new things. Candle magick, lunar rituals, tarot, reiki — it was all so new and exciting and it felt so good. I felt like my soul was putting itself back together after a lifetime of confusion and discomfort.
In May 2023, I posted on my Instagram story a casual, “Does anyone want to do a full moon meditation with me?” not knowing how much this would change my life. This post led to the creation of The Bookish Witch coven where I’ve had the honor to meet beautiful, kind, open-hearted, loving, magickal womxn from all over the country. We’ve grown so close and each one of them mean so much to me. They’ve healed me in a lot of ways while encouraging me to continue learning, growing, and embracing this new spirituality of mine.
I fully believe that spirituality is different for everyone. There is no right answer. Whatever makes you feel held and understood and safe is what you should pursue. And somewhere along this journey of leaning into my Paganism and witchy side, that nonstop feeling of restlessness has dissipated. My “existential longing” is gone and has been replaced by so much joy and safety and peace. I hope you are able to feel the same.
Blessed be,
Dede
