Can we get a lil personal over here?
Brb, let me get my thoughts together and take a few deep breaths because things are about to get vulnerable.
All righty… SO (sorry, had to do my usual “thing’s are about to get long-winded and real” intro), for anyone who knows me personally, I’m sure this will be no surprise at all. But for those of you who are new here, just stopping by, or have no clue who I am, the one thing I’ve always known about myself is how deeply I want to become a mom. When I was just a toddler, I would carry my baby dolls around everywhere, even stuffing my shirt with tissues to give myself lil boobies so I could pretend to breastfeed them when they were “hungry”. I took that role very seriously, and I made sure people knew I had a responsibility to take care of these dolls.
When I got my first period at 12 years old, my first thought was, “Wow, I can have a baby now.” which… girl, we’re 12 so maybe not yet, BUT it felt like this huge confirmation and step in the right direction towards what I really wanted. All throughout high school and college, I loved nothing more than watching movies or shows or YouTube videos about pregnancy and moms and what it was like to have a kid. It brought me so much joy and hope to see people go through this powerful physical experience and then get to raise a baby. It’s truly all I’ve ever wanted.
When I came out as aroace, the only thing I truly grieved was knowing I would never have the typical progression of marriage, pregnancy, baby. The marriage part really didn’t bother me but the thought of not getting to raise a child with someone felt like the greatest loss. I told myself that I would be okay with being the cool, fun aunt and that I’d get to be present in all of my friends’ babies’ lives. But then my Saturn started to return. For those of you not in the astrological space — your Saturn begins to return to where it resided at your birth around your 27th birthday and it creates this 3-year journey of intense transformation, growth, and understanding. It’s this crazy phenomena that so many people experience, whether they know about the astrology or not. You start to really understand yourself better and what you want out of life. You also go through intense periods of personal transformation and sometimes it feels like everything is changing.
For me, it was during this period (which I’m still in — eek!) that I realized that I’m not going to be satisfied or okay with just being the aunt. Now, obviously, this does not mean I am 100% going to have a child — I realize that fertility is not a guarantee for each individual, but I know that I can’t go through this life without trying my hardest to make it happen.
Whew. Getting that off my chest is such a relief. As much as I love oversharing (cough Gemini cough), vocalizing deeply personal and emotional things has always been so hard for me. I cried and cried when I finally told my sister this and then again when I shared it with my roommate, Ryan. I got so nervous even telling my mom as if she would be mad (which, looking back, makes no sense, I know).
Luckily for me, I’m in a wonderful place and have a phenomenal support system on my side for this next stage of life and whatever it brings me. My family is so supportive, my friends are excited, and my company has phenomenal family resources and even a support group for women who have to conceive outside of the good ol’ fashioned way. I have a fabulous Gynecologist who makes me feel heard and supported and even held my hand and cried with me during a previous appointment. I’ve done tons of research and feel confident with the options and plans I have ahead of me.
I also used to have this list of things I needed to “fix” in my life prior to having kids, and now they’re all resolved or have their plan in place. It’s so strange. For the longest time, I thought I’d never get my mental health to a good place and yet, here I am, the healthiest I’ve ever been. My physical health and bloodwork are amazing, and I’ve healed both my relationships with my body and my eating habits. My finances are doing great and I’m able to put my funds into savings to support someone in addition to myself. My roommate and I have a plan in place to look for neighboring townhomes or a duplex of sorts so we can still be in each others’ lives while having our own space to grow.
So here we are. It’s March 2024 and I’m putting it out into the universe that I’m ready for this next step in my life. I want children and I want them sooner rather than later. I’ve joined support groups for women in similar situations and I have an appointment next month with my Gynecologist to get the ball rolling. I’m so excited but also so overwhelmed. There’s obviously a lot of nuance to my situation and I know it’s not going to be easy or conventional. If you believe in prayers or good vibes or energy, please send them my way! Additionally, if you are a queer person or single mother who has gone through the artificial insemination/pregnancy process on your own and you’d be willing to chat, please reach out! I’d love to hear your experience and any tips you could share.
Anyways, that’s enough vulnerability for me today. Thank you for hearing me out. <3
Dede
