An Aroace Girly’s Thoughts on Valentine’s Day

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY! I hope you’re having the most beautiful day, full of love, laughter, friendship, and harmony.

Valentine’s Day is such an interesting time when you identify as aromantic and asexual (i.e. aroace). For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved this holiday. Watching people shower their loved ones with compassion, gifts, and kind words is so special. There were times when I was younger and didn't know my own identity where I felt pressure to have that ~special someone~ to celebrate with but now that I’m fully secure in who I am, I have nothing but warm, fuzzy feelings on a day like today. Getting to show love for my favorite people and let them know how much I care for them? Sign me up!!!

I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding around the aroace identity. Most people’s first reaction to hearing it is almost pity like, “Oh… so you’ll never get married or fall in love?” with a confused, sad look on their face. I would never try to speak on behalf of all queer individuals who identify the same as me but I truly love being aroace and all that it entails. My brain isn’t wired in a way that I can even comprehend wanting to love someone romantically or be with them sexually so why should I feel sad or like I’m missing out? How can I grieve something that I don’t even want?

That being said, I’d be remiss not to touch on the fact that we live in a world obsessed with love, soulmates, and romance. Almost all media relies on the assumption that everyone wants to find that one person (or people) to spend their life with. Even the most intense, explosion-filled action movies have a lil romance in them. So I’d be lying if I didn’t say there can sometimes be a weird sense of confusion around romance for me — should I want this? Should I be trying to find someone to partner up with? It seems great so maybe I should just try to make it happen? But then it always go back to that original thought — if I don’t want it, why should I envy others who have it or try to force it for myself?

One of my absolute favorite Florence + the Machine songs, “Girls Against God,” opens with the line:

What a thing to admit
That when someone looks at me with real love
I don't like it very much
Kinda makes me feel like I'm bein' crushed

Now, I would never presume Florence’s identity or intentions with this line but every time I hear it, it strikes such a personal chord for me. I tried incredibly hard in the past to make romantic and sexual relationships work and every single time, I was left feeling so sick. It wasn’t just a “Meh, this isn’t for me,” type of thing. It was an overwhelming, nauseating, panicky ick for lack of a better word. Every part of it filled me with so much disgust and dread. I bring this up because I know a lot of people simply can’t fathom the aroace identity or how it feels to feel this way. Just like my gay friend would never want to kiss or marry a woman or my straight dad wouldn’t want to kiss or marry a guy, I don’t want to kiss or marry anyone.

It’s a weird thing, being aroace. It’s my identity so it’s as natural as breathing for me to feel this way. But just because I don’t understand or want romantic or sexual attention, doesn’t mean that I don’t have a fulfilled life full of love. I feel so much love every day. I dote on my Lucy girl like she’s a natural-born child of mine. I love my family more than I could even express. When I think about my friends or the wonderful girls I’ve met through The Bookish Witch, I’m overwhelmed with love, fondness, care, and compassion. It feels like there isn’t even a way to express how much they mean to me. Isn’t that just as good as romantic love? Feeling so incredibly cared for, understood, and championed by the people in your life? Knowing you have someone who would do anything for you and who you would do anything for? I know I could never comprehend romantic love but sometimes, it feels like I’ve got my own special version of that with the people in my life. I hope you feel as cared for in yours.

I’m wishing you all the best and rooting for you always,

Dede