‘I Hate It Here’ Plays Softly in the Background
I’m trying to start this without feeling like that meme of Ms. Juicy walking into a room, awkwardly saying, “Heyyyyyy…. how y’all doing?” but I’m coming up short. Long time no chat, friends! I fear this summer really took a lot out of me. I mentioned some things in my latest post from my birthday but damn… who could have ever predicted that Summer 2024 would last 648 years and take every ounce of peace from me?
My entire Saturn return so far has been sooooo painful and stereotypical that it doesn’t even feel fair. The constant ache of evolving and growing and shedding is too much sometimes! I truly feel as though I’m changing into a totally different person every six months at this point. It’s exhausting and it’s scary and it leaves me asking myself things like “At what point are people going to get sick of me?” or the more common “Girl, who tf am I??????”. Good news though guys, only a year and a half until Saturn’s out of Pisces!!!
Even in the discomfort, I can admit that the witchy girls who said, “Your Saturn return will be so uncomfortable but you’ll feel so good afterwards,” were right because I am already seeing ways in which I’ve grown and become more capable of dealing with stress and difficult emotions. It’s no secret that I’m in the worst time of my life right now. The love of my life, Lucinda Cherie, was diagnosed with an incredibly aggressive and recurrent form of cancer. Although we caught it early (shoutout to being a paranoid pet mom), and as of right now, she is cancer free, the doctors have made it clear that this will come back and it will take her eventually. That fucking sucks. I cry a lot these days. The time we have left together has an expiration date that feels so tangible now. BUT… here I am… dealing with it. If this had happened just a year or two prior, I have no clue how it would have ended but it would have been way more painful. So much of growing up and becoming an adult has been realizing that a lot of life is just learning how to deal with it.
I also kind of slayed the world and threw the most gorgeous, fun retreat for my Patreon girlies???? My mind is still kinda blown that I was able to pull that off to the level that I did. Okay, Miss Event Planner!!!!! This whole process taught me that my passion and purpose feels so aligned to what I’m doing with The Bookish Witch and that makes me SO happy. There are so many exciting things coming up for us!!
I’m very private about my work but trust, it was an incredibly stressful time this summer. Stress at work causes so much self-doubt to creep up on me so that has been affecting me a lot lately.
I also became the poster child of “Sexuality is Fluid!” when I discovered that I’m not 100% aromantic OR 100% asexual so that was a surprise. I know that all sexuality is a spectrum but a year ago, I would have told you there was absolutely no way I would experience a romantic attraction to someone. But then I did. And it was a lot. Ryan calls it my first sapphic heartbreak and it sucks pretty bad.
But I also have so much good on my horizon that I’m hoping I can spend the next season or two healing and resting and being gentle with myself. I’m in the early stages of planning the 2025 retreat (ahhhh!) which is so exciting and FUN! It’s going to be another magical weekend in the woods and I can’t wait. My best friends are getting married this November in Hawaii and I get to spend the week with them and my family in such a beautiful place. I’m beyond ready for the boat days and rice yogurt!! I’m also hoping to get more markets and pop-up shops set up here in Utah to see you guys more often!
Stay tuned for what comes next over here. Fall is often so much kinder than summer, in my opinion. Love you bunches and hope you’re doing well. <3
